Before you think that I'm taking my Something New Project a little too far, let me just say that it's been some time coming. And now it's here. And it feels scarier than I thought it would.
I'm firing myself from a job I actually liked. I have two main jobs - Finance Manager and Director of Sales and Marketing. I'm giving up the latter, because of many reasons, including the fact that juggling both jobs has left me exhausted, stressed and pressured beyond capacity.
It's taken me a while to admit that. It's taken me a while to admit that, though I work hard and have the best interests at heart, sometimes I'm just not the right person for the job, in this case, due to lack of experience and lack of time.
How I wish I could just give up my Finance Manager post, instead. How I wish with all my heart that that was the one I had to let go of. But circumstances dictate that I hold on to that one just a little bit longer.
I don't know what to expect now that I'm not the boss of these 6 people outside my office anymore. I don't know how to deal with not having an office of my own. I love this space, with its quiet and more than enough space to think, and its beautiful view of Manila Bay just outside my window, and I feel sad that I have to give it up. I'm afraid that I'm going to be insanely jealous of the person I hired to take my place, because she will now have this office. She will now have the time and the privilege to do what I was supposed to. She'll have my job.
My Finance office is chaotic. Imagine dot matrix printers churning out papers and phones ringing every single minute. And I'm supposed to be balancing numbers and making finance reports in the midst of all that? Where do I go to think now? Where do I get my own space and peace?
I still have a job, but somehow I feel almost jobless. Like I'm not sure where to go from here.
But of course, being the oddly organized yet still messy person that I am, I do know where to go from here. I know that I will finish packing up my things, move out of this office, pack my bags tonight, go back to my Finance office, clean up the back log I have to come home to, clean up my room at home, schedule my flights, turn over my work to the new Director of Sales and Marketing, check up on her, check up on myself, check the hotel, and do what I was supposed to be doing in the first place, what I have to do to make sure everything is working properly - fix up the finance, inventory and audit reports.
I almost feel like I won't even do any of that, but that's gonna defeat the purpose of executing my own resignation. The reason why I have to give up my job is to make way for other more important things. This will change me, I know it, but I don't know how exactly yet, or whether it will be for the good. I do feel though that it's the right, albeit difficult, step.
I love being able to come to Manila, my freedom, learning new things, being my own boss, making my own schedule, calling my own shots. But more than that, I love my family, and I care about the future of this business.
Closing my eyes and taking a leap of faith today. I can do this.
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