5 months after

All this beach and sun and not being able to enjoy it and being alone with a ton of work is making me feel a little woozy. I haven't eaten a decent meal in days 'cause I hate eating alone, and beer doesn't even help anymore. Drinking alone's no fun.

Even worse, I'm beginning to remember stuff, it's like things finally caught up to me. I remember college graduation day, where I was probably the most sloppily made-up graduate. Even Father Ben looked surprised when he gave me my diploma, I don't know if it was just me but I think I sensed some disappointment there. I had almost zero make-up on, my hair was in a messy bun which I tied minutes before I went up the stage, my shoes were hurting the skin on my ankles and my dress was plain black (I was counting on the toga to hide how simple it was, of course). I could have been attending a funeral instead of my grad day. The worst (or best?) part was that I didn't care one bit. I had so many things that needed packing up back in the dorm and my parents expected them to be all boxed up and tidy that same day. My dorm room was still a pigsty.

It's September 1, 5 months after grad and I'm settling into this new life - work and family. I don't miss schoolwork at all, but I do miss my friends, and all that free time we had together. I miss not having a schedule, when I can eat what I want when I want, study when I feel like it, go out whenever and wherever I please. Now my life is so organized - work in the morning from Monday 'til Saturday, family dinners at night, coffee with friends on Fridays, family day on Sunday, and the cycle goes on and on. I'm not really complaining, I do appreciate the rhythm and how organized it's made me, but sometimes it feels like I'm going nowhere. So maybe work here on the beach, albeit alone, is a welcome break after all.

Books, along with my friends, are my solace. The cycle feels like a heavy weight on me sometimes, so I read like crazy, as if that would keep me afloat. I just finished Tobias Wolff's This Boy's Life, by the way. After I read it I wanted to open it up and examine it to see how it became so simple yet so whole.

I'm sorry this entry is such a downer. Now I'm torn between wanting to go home to my static schedule and staying here alone.